Treehouse of Horror 99
by Bufflytica
Summary: Halloween hijinks ensue. Ned Flanders is now an atheist, Comic Book Guy sells his soul to write a show with the Devil, and the Kwik E Mart is under new managemetn
1. Chapter 1

Opening Segment:  
Mr Burns, who had been celebrating Halloween by watching Mr. Magoo shorts, had grown tired of hunting living species in his mansion and wanted something new. He asked Smithers, after having recently hunted a white sperm whale, "What game should I hunt next?" Smithers said "there is a rusty time machine you could use." Mr Burns said "I just realized something, Smithers I think I will hunt a mammoth." Smithers told him "you need to get in the time machine for that." Mr. Burns said "Oh, of course."

Mr Burns and Smithers, now armed with machine guns, stepped into the time machine and went back in time 45,000 years to a spot near present day Montreal. He saw a entire herd of them and he told Smithers "We can have a whole herd of them on the walls of my mansion." They immediately started firing their guns at the mammoths and the matriarchal herd quickly dropped dead. Before Mr Burns and Smithers could took another step, they both said "I don't feel so good" before they faded into dust due to the fact they had created a time paradox. The dust then read: Treehouse Of Horror XCIX


	2. Chapter 2

Comic Book Guy sells his soul:

Comic Book Guy had grown tired of Walking Dead. To him, the show had become stale, repetitive, and has used character death as a cheap ploy. They had even randomly put PVRIS lead singer Lynn Gunn as a guest star just to kill her off. Comic Book Guy wanted to create a new show to replace it and would do what it would take. Comic Book Guy said "If I could sell my soul for a show" and then Devil Flanders popped up.

Devil Flanders said "Here's your deal. I can create any show you want but you will find something to complain about. I wil own your soul for eternity if the show is cancelled by a network executive." Comic Book Guy demanded "Sir, I want a show that is set on the moon and the main character is a werewolf." Devil Flanders then, with a grin, gave him his wish after Comic Book Guy sold him his soul.

The show, called An American Werewolf On The Moon, premiered on AMC in 2021. The show it was about a police force in a city on the moon called New Fort Worth and it was written as a Western. Dave, a generic white guy with brown hair, was the main character. , had to stay inside the base once a month, as he would turn into a werewolf(even when in his suit) every time the Earth was full(which happens every time the moon is new) and it could be stopped only if he could not see the Earth.

Comic Book Guy seemed to hate this show quite quickly. He noticed the effects budget was low and seemed to be stuck in the 90's while the show ignored science. He also noticed there were many inconsistencies, the most obvious being the main character's wife, a white woman revealed she knew some Vietnamese later in the show's run even when it was established early on she only spoke English. Comic Book Guy once yelled "Why couldn't you have said it earlier so that you could negotiate with that Vietnamese-speaking cyborg?"

The show was cancelled at the end of its third season when the show's producer was caught grabbing a woman's behind on set. Comic Book Guy said cynically "Uh-oh, I am going to hell." Devil Flanders came and said "You are going to hell for eternity." Comic Book Guy was sent to hell, which wasn't exactly physically painful, but was mentally torturous for Comic Book Guy by breaking every comic rule in existence. The most horrible thing he saw was that the most popular Superhero movie was a Hindi language film where Superman was married to Spiderwoman. Comic Book Guy screamed "KHAAANNN!" after Devil Flanders told him.


	3. Chapter 3

Ned gives up God

Ned Flanders was searching spotify, and had turned off his censorship by accident. Ned discovered a new band recently that thought he'd like a lot given they looked like band was called "Okily Dokily" and he bought tickets to see them with Rod and Todd . He didn't understand how angry they sounded live even if he had heard them on Spotify.

When he got to the concert, he didn't expect there to be a Mosh Pit there. It was very loud and angry with a lot of people drinking. Rod and Todd told their father: "We're scared" and convinced Ned to leave in the first song they played. The song was "Donut Hell", where they said "Your wide behind won't save you this time". Ned passed out of shock after barely getting back to the Flanders house.

Ned seemed to see blackness, as if he wasn't there at all. There was no God, angels, or even demons. When he woke up, he asked himself "Is God a lie?" He didn't turn immediately, but he questioned his beliefs, and read up on many of the world's other great faiths including Islam, Judaism, Sikhism, Hinduism, and Buddhism. He eventually concluded that there was no God of any kind due to their contradictions and absurdities.

The first people he "came out" to as an atheist were his sons. Rod and Todd were terrified and said "Are you going to hell?" Ned said, " there is no hell or Santa Claus, when we die, we die." His kids were even more terrified after they heard it. Ned decided to call Homer and Marge so that Lisa could come over.

Later that morning, Lisa visited the Flanders household to help calm down the kids. She said "Ned's been acting a bit weird lately. Of all the people I think would give up God, he seems to be the last to do." Rod and Todd calmed down a bit and started looking for what went wrong. Lisa looked upstairs noticed Ned's computer somehow had downloaded music from a parallel universe by accident, as she noticed a Kacey Musgraves song referencing Hillary Clinton's victory, which immediately showed it was in a parallel universe.

Lisa deleted that song, plus several other songs that clearly could never have been written in our universe and things returned to normal. Ned suddenly reverted back to being God Fearing and wondered why he even listened to that weird band anyway. Ned then told Rod and Todd "Santa Claus is real and so is heaven." Rod and Todd were now happy again, and were now playing a board game where they put dinosaurs on the ark. Lisa was very disappointed that Ned's "conversion" was just interdimensional trickery.

The End.


	4. Chapter 4

Wrath of the Kwik E Mart:

Apu had been seen as a racial stereotype for years and people protested him owning the shop. The constant protests made him star to think think about moving back to India. He had Homer appoint his successor. Homer got the letter and said "appoint anyone but Snake." Homer had spilled beer on the letter and it now said "appoint Snake" and Homer decided to do exactly that as Snake as just broken out of prison.

Snake started to rewrite the identity of the Kwik-E-Mart very quickly. He removed the statues of the Hindu gods and replaced them with random statues of people getting killed in gruesome ways. Snake also had a weird obsession with Taylor Swift and her music. He put posters of her all over the Kwik-E-Mart and blasted her music nonstop to the exclusion of any other artist, even ones similar to her.

One day, Flanders came into the store to buy groceries and asked "What'd you doing there neighborino, and could you turn down that devil's music?" Snake said, "dude, Taylor Swift is a devout Christian and I want to marry her." Flanders explained to him Flanders decided to get a loaf of bread and wanted to buy it. Snake then threatened him, regarding Swift by saying "you can't marry a celebrity and live happily ever after", by saying "I will slice you like that loaf of bread." Flanders emitted a high pitched scream when Snake pulled out a knife and attempted to stab him.

Snake's knife missed by a few inches and instead hit the bread. Flanders said "Jesus knew how to make bread in a miraculous way, but he didn't do it just because the Devil ordered him to." Just as Snake was about to make another swipe, Chief Wiggum burst in with a handgun. Snake knew how to operate weapons and tried to pull out the gun to fire, but nothing came out. Snake realized "yoinks, I forgot to get ammo."

Snake was quickly arrested and sent back to prison. Ned left the store, terrified. He would later return once the new owners took over, regardless of who it would be. The Kwik-E-Mart closed but the store later would reopen under new ownership. It is now owned by Otto and, in addition to its previous items, now sells legal cannabis. Ralph accidentally found some once and he was terrified of Cookie Monster when he was on screen.


	5. Chapter 5

Epilogue:

Kang and Kodos were upset they were left out of the story again. To relieve their boredom, Kang and Kodos were thinking of new planets to conquer. Kang and Kodos had listened many planets to conquer. One of those planets was a Planet Express had visited before, where yarn people lived their lives in fear of scissors.

Kang, after looking at the list, found one called "Pandora." asked "I'm confused, why can't we conquer Pandora?" Kodos said "I keep telling you, that was just a movie made by the infamous human director James Cameron. There is no planet with blue people on it with a resource we can't mine." Kang and Kodos decided to soar towards an odd donut shaped planet where donuts were the most sentient form of life there.

The End.


End file.
